Saturday, May 31, 2008

Melancholy Mama Moments

As I was tucking the little one in tonight I became suddenly wistful about how it used to be. I worked so hard to get her transitioned, first into her own bed (in our room), then into her own room. But I had no idea how hard it would be on me. I miss having her little form next to me in bed, as it was from about mid infancy through nearly 2 1/2. It was difficult to even get used to her being across the room at first, when we put her in a big girl bed in our room, but we soon found a new rhythm of bedtime that way. But this one is much more difficult for me. I'm sure it would be better if her room were closer, but it's across the house (what were we thinking when we bought this place?!?), so she seems so far away. We use the monitor again, like old times when I would put her to bed and we'd listen for her from the living room. And she has learned how to make her way across the kitchen and living room into our room (I leave a dim light on for her so it isn't dark). But I just can't get used to it.

It's the way of parenting, we reach for each new milestone, working with them toward it, cheering when they reach it. But over and over again I forget that this is a one-way journey, that we can't go back. Sure, she sleeps with us when she's sick or when we're traveling, and most nights she ends up in our bed in the middle of the night. But even so, something has changed, we've moved past that total sleep sharing that I never intended and that I cherished so dearly. And that I now miss so much.

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